12:31pm: jesus
i dont even know what to say about the party. it was great but at the same time so depressing. before the party i hung out with ari
just me him and marry jane in the car for an hour. talking. it was so much fun. probably the best part of the party. Then i went to the party. so many people i didnt know. it kinda felt like a season finale of a tv show. cause ud see the regualrs, my friends, then ud see like the extras that u may have seen at in one episode but now there all back again for one last time. i saw my close friends diva, cassie, gerlad, jasper, ari, but ti was so sad cause we had all sorta drifted. and we had out own little cliques. like cassie and her friend lauren were off by themselves drinking and some shit. then there was anothr clique with poeple like anna and morgan, and waldo and those people i didnt know. diva went off in her own group with marissa and khira and leo???? and some others. and i kept getting these flashes of nostalga time to time of te last time we were at diva's and how we all knew each other and how we were all good tight friends. now we have a drunk cassie onthe ocuch telling us about a road trip thats 99% never gonna happen.
this kinda summerizes it
SecretRagingCow: it was a depressing party
SecretRagingCow: well probably not for you
SecretRagingCow: but all m yold friends were there
SecretRagingCow: it it was sad seeing how we all drifted apart
jesusvsgodzilla: which old friends?
SecretRagingCow: and cassie ws drunk
jesusvsgodzilla: not like from maryland?
SecretRagingCow: and going of on how were gonna hve a big road trip at the end of shcool
SecretRagingCow: no from bhhs
jesusvsgodzilla: ah ok
SecretRagingCow: and shes telling it ot me and gerald
SecretRagingCow: and we know its never gonna happen
jesusvsgodzilla: :-(
SecretRagingCow: and there were so many people i didnt know
SecretRagingCow: the very first tome we went to divas was for a dinne rparty
SecretRagingCow: me,gerald,tyler,cassie,dive,aly
SecretRagingCow: and i think juan
SecretRagingCow: and we were all really good friends
SecretRagingCow: like inseprable
SecretRagingCow: and now
SecretRagingCow: its just died
SecretRagingCow: and next year were gonna move away
SecretRagingCow: and im gonna forget all of them
jesusvsgodzilla: that's really depressing
SecretRagingCow: very
and i was pretty high but you really need alchohol at a time like that. and there was enough there. but u know what. i didnt fucking drink cause i had to fucking drive. and i kept that promise and wore it like a fucking badge. and for what? to get fucking slapped in the face.
after that it was a downward spiral to the green tinted monster absinthe. 70% alchohol does the job fast. you know when theres somethng u wanna say to someone but u cant talk to them cause every time u wanna say something to them ur throat tightens up so the only thingu can do is go and talk to someonee lse even thiugh u should be talking to the other person. is there a word for that?
i ended up waking up or i thnk i woke up i dunno if i fell alseep or not. well when i woke up i wasnt angry anymore. but ti wasnt a serne feling. it was a scared feeling. cause i wanted to be angry. but i couldnt. it was like ebing in a dressing room and having the door flung open when ur naked. there nothing u can do. itsall inthe hands of the people seeing u naked. you defenless. if they laugh at u u will be embarrsed. if they dont laugh and they admire u u feellike a king. but not being able to do anything aobt it is the worst. when u open urself up like that ur just as liable to get slammed as u are uhh whats the word risen up high i guess. u know what im trying to say. i spent the morning at jack int he box with the mexicans who get uo early to do the jobs americans dont want and the park with the beverly hills people that like to ttart the day early. each world was alien for its own reasons. then i talk to my friend who is apperantly equally is not more depresed about how everythingis retty meaningless. cause u might be remembered wheb u die
but those people remembering you will die. and then its like you never existed. so in the long run what the difference if u die today or u die when ur 70.
i sometimes wish i could believe ina high power just so i could say atletst when i die ill still have my memories. but i dont. the gretaist hope in life is the hope of their being an afterlife. and if u lose that hope then life itself seems pretty meaningless.
im a pretty contempt guy. i got eberything i want and need. i have people who care for me. a lot of people. i just wish that this chapter in my life wasnt closing just yet. they should give u like 2 years after high school before starting college. this may sound corny but people could spend that time discovering shit.cause ud still be a young but ud be old enough where uve pretty much matured as much as ur going to. i really blame all this on being a senior. cause if ur a junior or lower u always have hope that the next year of high school will be better. but when ur senior there is no next year. thisis th elast christmas with ur friends. last new years. last birthday.
if someone tried to explain this to me last year i woulda laughed andnot understood what they were trying to say.
Current Mood: deprssed, nastolgic, apathetic
Current Music: Joy Division